I told my Love this morning that, “after being on a low for the last couple days, a pretty tough one, and waking up feeling like I’m reaching that middle going back to the high that people are going to make fun of me.”
He heard what I had to say about it, which is way less detail now, “they called me bipolar and made fun of me about it at these times, I’m scared you guys will too when I start to come back up. But I am Bipolar and I understand now,” he basically responded with, “we all understand that, and we don’t want to hurt you like those people did. They meant to hurt you, we do not.” I suffer from panic disorder because of the PTSD and we agree that because my lows are so few and far between that I panic when I have them, I make make them harder than they have to be because I’m panicking about them. Like I told him, “I’ll figure it out. I always do.”
I hear him and sometimes my little Loves only explain to me when I’m scared and confused, “you’re okay, you’re safe, there is nothing to be scared about, no one is going to hurt you…” and for some reason these last couple times my Love has slipped in there something along the lines of, “this moment is just because you are bipolar and it’s okay” he told me today that I “panic when these days come”, I wholeheartedly agree with him.
I’m glad that he is doing this because as I write this I realize that he is using a technique that my counselor has taught he and I, “Reality Therapy”, it is extremely helpful. For some reason I don’t get mad at him for saying this to me, I just let the tears fall and melt into him, because I believe him even though everything inside of me is telling me to run and not trust him. I realistically know he is genuine because without thinking I respond the way I do; quiet down, melt, and tears falling. Needing and wanting and allowing myself to feel his embrace. And even though I may circle back around and we have to do it all over again, we do, do it all over again…together.
I feel like my growth has been huge. I feel like I am aware of my highs and lows. I feel like I’m okay saying, “I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what I’m feeling…” Maybe I should become okay with saying,
“A long or steep downgrade is coming and I’m not sure the percentage or for how long, I just see the signs. And I most definitely do not know how rough the ride will be or if you’ll need the runaway truck zone, but I know you have to go down to go up.” (I hope my traveling buddies like that)