Tag Archives: trauma

Downgrade

I told my Love this morning that, “after being on a low for the last couple days, a pretty tough one, and waking up feeling like I’m reaching that middle going back to the high that people are going to make fun of me.”

He heard what I had to say about it, which is way less detail now, “they called me bipolar and made fun of me about it at these times, I’m scared you guys will too when I start to come back up. But I am Bipolar and I understand now,” he basically responded with, “we all understand that, and we don’t want to hurt you like those people did. They meant to hurt you, we do not.” I suffer from panic disorder because of the PTSD and we agree that because my lows are so few and far between that I panic when I have them, I make make them harder than they have to be because I’m panicking about them. Like I told him, “I’ll figure it out. I always do.”

I hear him and sometimes my little Loves only explain to me when I’m scared and confused, “you’re okay, you’re safe, there is nothing to be scared about, no one is going to hurt you…” and for some reason these last couple times my Love has slipped in there something along the lines of, “this moment is just because you are bipolar and it’s okay” he told me today that I “panic when these days come”, I wholeheartedly agree with him.

I’m glad that he is doing this because as I write this I realize that he is using a technique that my counselor has taught he and I, “Reality Therapy”, it is extremely helpful. For some reason I don’t get mad at him for saying this to me, I just let the tears fall and melt into him, because I believe him even though everything inside of me is telling me to run and not trust him. I realistically know he is genuine because without thinking I respond the way I do; quiet down, melt, and tears falling. Needing and wanting and allowing myself to feel his embrace. And even though I may circle back around and we have to do it all over again, we do, do it all over again…together.

I feel like my growth has been huge. I feel like I am aware of my highs and lows. I feel like I’m okay saying, “I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what I’m feeling…” Maybe I should become okay with saying,

“A long or steep downgrade is coming and I’m not sure the percentage or for how long, I just see the signs. And I most definitely do not know how rough the ride will be or if you’ll need the runaway truck zone, but I know you have to go down to go up.” (I hope my traveling buddies like that)

My Life

This is my life.

My life only.

I may shame my life with you,

But this is my life.

I draw the lines.

This is my life.

I say who comes

And who goes.

This is my life.

I have power.

This is my life.

I have say.

This is my life.

I am in charge.

This is my life.

I am in control of me.

This is my life.

“One More Bite Kelly”

Peanut butter cup crepe from Twisted Crepe Asheville NC. Look at this thing! Can you imagine anyone struggling to eat that? Well I was doing just fine even though it was loud, bright, and people very close to me, until I realized my fiancé was done and waiting on me. My stomach locked right up and I had two choices; 1) cry or 2) stare at my food, rub my belly, and repeat the words, “One more bite Kelly”.

One more bite Kelly,

Just one more bite.

One more bite Kelly,

There’s just one left.

One more bite Kelly,

I need you to take

One more bite Kelly.

B-25 Days

01/20/2021

I was challenged to do a black and white photo so here it is. It also gave me the perfect opportunity to write this blog. I was going to do it B-29 Days, but life happens and I’m not one of those hands-off parents and partners, so I definitely got distracted. So here it is, B-25 Days.

In 25 days I will be 36. I cannot believe that I’m going to 36. This past year even though has been difficult and hard and any other word that is a synonym for ‘shitty’ will work. Any word and I mean any is what this 1 year of pandemic.

I have been joking about how last year was the first year I let my fiancé take me out for my birthday. Ugh! I have this whole issue with money being spent on me that I just cannot seem to kick; I mean I did grow up hearing, “get a job” anytime I wanted or even needed something, so I guess it’s no shock that I’d be this hung up on money being spent on me. But, anyway he and our sons said, “the world wouldn’t collapse”. Next thing we know we’re being locked down and the world literally came to a halt.

Now I clearly don’t believe that it had to do with me going out for my birthday, but joking this way about it is somehow making it a little less “bad” to be celebrated. It’s like finding that irony in the situation I guess. That laughable moment; I guess.

As I’ve stated before it’s hard to go through the Holiday season and this past Thanksgiving it was rough, but Christmas/NYE were way better for me than years past. I had a few hiccups, but no major incidents and that is a huge victory for me! Getting through those times are so hard, I did it though. So much so that I didn’t want wait to open more gifts that were delivered (if you know me it’s usually quite the opposite reaction; fear, terror, a feeling of I don’t deserve this). So I’d say huge progress in 2020.

Getting through my birthday and the days leading up to my birthday can be real hard. There are lots of emotions. There’s a lot of grief (at least there was). There’s weird feelings in being celebrated. I desire it like anyone else does, but I fear it so much. Because I don’t want to get used to liking the feeling of being celebrated and loved just for it all to go away. I’m so scared to let myself fully be loved, because I’m scared this love will just up and go away, and I don’t want to live a life without love.

So I’m counting down the days and hoping that I can get to a place of enjoyment of my 36th birthday because I really do love my new life and I want to get myself to a place where I am willing to be loved again. I don’t want to freak out and run when someone gets “too close” to me. I don’t want to “push them away before they can push me away”, I want to be willing be loved and feel love again.

This damn trip down memory lane has been a real hell of a ride. I’m glad I’ve went on it because I’m feeling freedom from things, at the same time I feel some guilt and remorse for how I’ve been the last couple years. I know it’s “normal and completely necessary in order to heal and move forward from all the pain and hurt”, but it doesn’t mean I can’t feel remorse for some of the things I’ve said and ways I’ve acted.

I know that my Bipolar has a lot to do with how I handle stress, and now because of therapy today that I’m just, “…stuck in a loop again because of exposure to a trigger over the last few weeks”, and I’m completely confident that my therapist can break this “loop” again. I’m so much stronger than the other times we’ve had to break it. I hate hypomania, it really is a really twisty windy bumpy road.

I’m going to work really hard to snap myself out of this depressed state, because I’m only depressed because I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, I’ve chosen to walk away from the people who created/raised me, I’ve left the toxic behind…I’ve allowed myself to grieve what didn’t have and what I had and lost. So I feel like I’m stuck in this depression and I don’t know how to get out.

I’m going to fight real hard to break it before my birthday because I want to enjoy it like I did last year, even if the end of the world came and it was a lot of effort to get me out of the house, I still enjoyed myself once we did leave.

I celebrate everyone I love and I realize that I am robbing them of the chance love me the way I love them…it’s not okay to rob someone of the chance to love. So I have to fight hard this year to get over this and through this birthday.

Maybe it would help if Valentine’s Day wasn’t the day before.

“Spoiled”

When I was growing up I often heard, “Kelly you better be able to find a man who can afford you”, you know I never consider myself spoiled. So why did I hear this?

I’m not exactly certain besides the fact that I love “girly” things like dresses, necklaces, fine jewelry, handbags, shoes, and so many things that sparkle. I may like those things, but I always knew that I was not in a family that could afford those privileges, so it wasn’t something I expected, just loved.

Now I am in love with this man who spoils me with all things that make me smile, my sons the same thing, and his family too. I have never owned so many designer items or just good quality items as I do now. And not really because I ask for them, but because these people get me, or are trying to make me feel like the woman I should have been made to like a long time ago.

These pretty gifts that make me feel like the girly-girl I always want to feel like, these people are have no clue what they are building in me. They are helping me build that soft, gentle exterior that allows to me, from the inside out, to grow the hardened interior that was made, into a soft, gentle, vulnerable, yet strong woman.

Simple things like beautiful handbags, cashmere scarves, head warmers, dresses, gloves, necklaces, teapots…whatever it may be, they clearly get me more than me and they are helping me be who I am. Their gifts allow me to feel free being a girl.

I love feeling pretty and I love feeling comfortable and all these pretty things make me pretty and comfortable. I am always so humbled by these gifts. I feel undeserving; unworthy. Here’s to hoping next Christmas I don’t cry about getting gifts, this year was the least bothered by gifts I’ve ever been, so it can only get better.

12/26/2020

The Words I Needed You to Say

I don’t know if I can ever express how much I needed to hear those words.

A confirmation that you have seen my effort.

A confirmation that I am thriving.

A confirmation of your love for me.

You have no clue how much I needed to hear those words.

Eff…

Fuck it all!

That’s how I’m feeling today.

Fuck it all!

I have no filter.

Who the fuck cares?

I have no filter.

Fuck rape!

Fuck unwanted touch!

Fuck white men of power!

Fuck it all!

I’m so fucking over this country!

Fuck it all!

Legalize sex with children so it can’t be a crime.

What the fuck?

Seriously are you fucking kidding me?

Why are we even entertaining this?

Fuck it all!

A president…

Fuck him!

Fuck it all!

The Swear Word

That word.

That one five letter word.

A word meant to identify,

Now a swear word.

An unfortunate series of events to make it that way.

That five letter word is a beautiful word.

A five letter word passed down.

That five letter not a swear wird to you.

They made it that way to me though.

That five letter word.

Kelly

You Learn

What do you do when there is something about you won’t be able to change? Like having a mental/behavioral health problem that is just part of you?

You learn to be “okay” with “not being okay”.

You learn to listen to their words and only their words even if you cannot process them while they’re saying them.

You learn to process them when your head is silent.

You learn to say there is just too much.

You learn that they love you.

You learn to trust.

You learn everything you can.

You learn to fail.

You learn to pick yourself back up.

And even when you believe you’re not good enough, that your not loveable, you’re not worth it, you allow their words to come through at the end of the day and start again tomorrow.

You learn to be okay with being you.

You learn to be patient with yourself.

You learn to be patient when they’re not patient with you.

You learn that you’ll never be perfect.

You learn you’re loved anyway.

You learn to leave the room, escape to the dark, and breathe.

You learn to breathe.

You learn when you can come back to the situation.

You learn that even though you would love for someone to wrap their arms around you, they shouldn’t just yet.

You learn to be okay with that.

You allow yourself to be okay with good touch when your panicking.

You learn that those touching you only have your best interest at heart.

You learn that even though you may freak the fuck out when they come close to you or touch you, to take a breath and look at them.

You learn that seeing their face can change “who you’re seeing”.

You learn to come back to reality when you see their loving faces.

You learn to let them know to ask before touching when you’re upset.

You learn to feel loved when sad.

You learn to feel loved when mad.

You learn to feel loved when joyous.

You learn to allow yourself to feel loved in all parts of your life.

You learn that you are stronger than you’ve ever imagined.

You learn that you will feel weaker than you’ve ever imagined.

You learn to lose control.

You learn to be in control.

You learn try to change only what you can.

You learn to embrace every day with hopeful anticipation.

You learn love harder.

You learn that some may never see your progress.

You learn that even if they do they’ll forget sometimes.

You learn that you are difficult to love.

You learn that all people are.

You learn that you’re stopping yourself from feeling love.

You learn that it’s because love has always hurt.

You learn that you must learn to be okay with being loved.

You learn to learn how to be loved.

I write this list because I learn daily. I am only able to write this list because all these things were taught to me in therapy or by my doctor. I write them for you to learn too.

“Kelly leave the room she said” I do now. I lay in my dark black room, on my cold foam bed, under my weighted blanket curled up tight, and cry and breathe. I patiently await the moment I can rejoin my family and sometimes I cannot.

I desire that hug, that warm loving embrace. I learned sometimes it’s not the best thing to do right away.

I learn to fight the feeling of aloneness in those moments, because I know it’s me choosing to remove myself from the situation so it doesn’t escalate. I have learned that if I am touched or talked to too soon it’s a problem.

I learn every single day.

Unlike most I analyze my “episodes” afterward. I pick myself and my behavior apart, just like I’ve been doing my whole life. When you’re not only parenting your parents, but yourself you don’t always learn how to cope and properly handle stress…no one ever taught you but who? You!

So I analyze. I research different strategies and inspiration quotes and messages. I listen to podcasts. I read blogs. I try to figure out how to help myself and what is going on in my body. I am 35 no mom, no dad, and I don’t say that for sympathy, this is a conscious decision on my part and I am getting so much better now and quicker. I am able to better parent my “unruly inner child”, even though I’m parenting her while I’m messing up. So yeah just like anyone being disciplined she doesn’t like it.

It’s a terrible thing for people who don’t really know you, never taken the time to really get to know you to think that you are unwilling to learn. When I am the first person to see my flaws, point them out, ask for help, and try to fix it.

I mean on my first date with my fiancé I told him every reason not to pursue me. I didn’t know about some mental health things that would later come out as a result of my traumas, but when they did come up I was the first to ask questions and to try and find answer.

The reason I’m not on my therapist couch anymore isn’t because I don’t have anything left to learn, it’s that he has taught me everything he could teach me in his office to get through life. He taught me how to cope. He taught me how to be okay when the feel like my loves don’t love me or don’t want me. He and my doctor taught me that no matter how much my loves want to not take it personally they’ll never be able not too, and I’ll never be able to not hurt because I hurt them. I learned from them and now my 16 year old 3 days that they don’t hurt the way I think they do. That they hurt because they love me and they want me to be free from this too.

My therapist taught me that when I mess up that my core belief of grace, that I myself am worthy of grace. That if I believe that God’s love is grace and mercy and patience, and I believe that everyone should love everyone with the bare minimum of grace, then I too am worthy of graceful type love.

The challenge is on me to believe all that I have been taught. I have already learned and I continue to do so, because only a fool refuses to learn.

The only thing I need to learn is to believe what I’ve been taught…