Tag Archives: CPTSD

Downgrade

I told my Love this morning that, “after being on a low for the last couple days, a pretty tough one, and waking up feeling like I’m reaching that middle going back to the high that people are going to make fun of me.”

He heard what I had to say about it, which is way less detail now, “they called me bipolar and made fun of me about it at these times, I’m scared you guys will too when I start to come back up. But I am Bipolar and I understand now,” he basically responded with, “we all understand that, and we don’t want to hurt you like those people did. They meant to hurt you, we do not.” I suffer from panic disorder because of the PTSD and we agree that because my lows are so few and far between that I panic when I have them, I make make them harder than they have to be because I’m panicking about them. Like I told him, “I’ll figure it out. I always do.”

I hear him and sometimes my little Loves only explain to me when I’m scared and confused, “you’re okay, you’re safe, there is nothing to be scared about, no one is going to hurt you…” and for some reason these last couple times my Love has slipped in there something along the lines of, “this moment is just because you are bipolar and it’s okay” he told me today that I “panic when these days come”, I wholeheartedly agree with him.

I’m glad that he is doing this because as I write this I realize that he is using a technique that my counselor has taught he and I, “Reality Therapy”, it is extremely helpful. For some reason I don’t get mad at him for saying this to me, I just let the tears fall and melt into him, because I believe him even though everything inside of me is telling me to run and not trust him. I realistically know he is genuine because without thinking I respond the way I do; quiet down, melt, and tears falling. Needing and wanting and allowing myself to feel his embrace. And even though I may circle back around and we have to do it all over again, we do, do it all over again…together.

I feel like my growth has been huge. I feel like I am aware of my highs and lows. I feel like I’m okay saying, “I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what I’m feeling…” Maybe I should become okay with saying,

“A long or steep downgrade is coming and I’m not sure the percentage or for how long, I just see the signs. And I most definitely do not know how rough the ride will be or if you’ll need the runaway truck zone, but I know you have to go down to go up.” (I hope my traveling buddies like that)

A bikini

I’m not sure what I’ve become. I am healing that’s what’s going on.

I’ve learned it’s okay to be this free, now I am starting to believe it.

My first initial reaction seeing this on was, “oh my goodness I look terrible”, then I reminded myself my 16 year old son was getting disappointed in the local Wal-Mart that they didn’t have swimsuit for me (his first time traveling at an age old enough to understand how a tourist town works 😂, he loves tourism by the way).

They were about to close, I finally found bottoms. But tops?

Um do you see what I was left with. He found it. And I was like, “um Joe I’m not sure I’ll look good in that. He’s silent for a moment, (just like his dad not because they are thinking of the right answer, but because they need a moment to process their own feelings) says to me, “we are going to a hot tub to chill, you are okay, wear that because I want to go in a hot tub with you”.

You see ladies your children need you to be this confident, daughters and sons alike. They never see you as fat or ugly or anything. To them you are the most beautiful woman in the world; yes even with every “flaw” you find. This confidence has been because of these “two and a half men” I’ve been given.

I see that abdomen and I think “Wow! If people only knew the history behind this body. The scars on my abdomen visible. The flabby skin. The dimples. The cellulite. If only they saw…wait why the hell do they have to see anything?! I am unapologetically me and my son thinks I’m beautiful”. So ladies/moms/grandmas it’s okay to have hesitation, but don’t hold yourself back. It is the best thing you can do for you, and the little people who look up to you and follow your lead.

By the way the hot tub was to full and my little love decided not to get in the pool, so needless to say this went on and came off dry. I love my Aspie ❤️

A lot of work has gone into not seeing this as fat, effort and energy are used to believe it. 4/15/2021 bathing suit put together by my 16yo.

My Life

This is my life.

My life only.

I may shame my life with you,

But this is my life.

I draw the lines.

This is my life.

I say who comes

And who goes.

This is my life.

I have power.

This is my life.

I have say.

This is my life.

I am in charge.

This is my life.

I am in control of me.

This is my life.

“One More Bite Kelly”

Peanut butter cup crepe from Twisted Crepe Asheville NC. Look at this thing! Can you imagine anyone struggling to eat that? Well I was doing just fine even though it was loud, bright, and people very close to me, until I realized my fiancé was done and waiting on me. My stomach locked right up and I had two choices; 1) cry or 2) stare at my food, rub my belly, and repeat the words, “One more bite Kelly”.

One more bite Kelly,

Just one more bite.

One more bite Kelly,

There’s just one left.

One more bite Kelly,

I need you to take

One more bite Kelly.

On My Birthday…

Today I am blessed to have woke up to start my 36th year of life. Although I have always been blessed and thankful for living another day, celebrating my birthday is one of those triggers that well you can’t avoid right? You can’t stop that day from coming and as I have found out, no matter how hard you try those who truly love and care for you, will push back even harder than your pushing; they’ll push and push and push until you can be free to enjoy your day.

All these gifts, all the love, all the everything over the last few days has really made me feel something I haven’t felt in a very long time. It hasn’t been exactly an easy road over the last 45 days to get here, but in comparison to last year, this year was a high difference.

I recently reconnected with a good friend and she reminded me that I need to love all of me, the good and the bad. When she was telling me to, “learn to love even the explosions”, it has really changed how I treat myself afterwards. Am I done internalizing and beating myself up, absolutely not, only difference is I am consciously fighting myself and telling myself to love me, don’t hate me in that moment or afterward. Huge help!

It’s really hard to be raised to believe that if you want for something that it is a bad thing, and now at 36 as of today be living a life in which people are like, “We want you to want for things. It’s okay to want nice things. It’s okay to have nice things…”, and be okay with it.

I’m thankful for a medical team that has found some medications to help me with my PTSD/Bipolar Type 2/anxiety. Sure I still can’t deal with minor stressors and I freak out over what seems to be nothing at, but everyday is a new day and I start it with a fresh outlook.

I’m realizing more about myself. I listen to what others say even when they are mad. I evaluate it. I ask myself, “is this just anger or a legit thing with me?” If I find myself in agreement with them I work hard to change that thing because they don’t even realize how much I already wanted to change it in the first place.

This year my birthday is today. I turned 36. And you know what I’m allowing myself to feel this feeling today. I’m not exactly sure how to name what I feel, but I can tell you I like it. I more than anything I think feel strong today. Strong enough to overcome a little anxiety thrown at me today and still enjoy my day.

I’m growing every day.

B-25 Days

01/20/2021

I was challenged to do a black and white photo so here it is. It also gave me the perfect opportunity to write this blog. I was going to do it B-29 Days, but life happens and I’m not one of those hands-off parents and partners, so I definitely got distracted. So here it is, B-25 Days.

In 25 days I will be 36. I cannot believe that I’m going to 36. This past year even though has been difficult and hard and any other word that is a synonym for ‘shitty’ will work. Any word and I mean any is what this 1 year of pandemic.

I have been joking about how last year was the first year I let my fiancé take me out for my birthday. Ugh! I have this whole issue with money being spent on me that I just cannot seem to kick; I mean I did grow up hearing, “get a job” anytime I wanted or even needed something, so I guess it’s no shock that I’d be this hung up on money being spent on me. But, anyway he and our sons said, “the world wouldn’t collapse”. Next thing we know we’re being locked down and the world literally came to a halt.

Now I clearly don’t believe that it had to do with me going out for my birthday, but joking this way about it is somehow making it a little less “bad” to be celebrated. It’s like finding that irony in the situation I guess. That laughable moment; I guess.

As I’ve stated before it’s hard to go through the Holiday season and this past Thanksgiving it was rough, but Christmas/NYE were way better for me than years past. I had a few hiccups, but no major incidents and that is a huge victory for me! Getting through those times are so hard, I did it though. So much so that I didn’t want wait to open more gifts that were delivered (if you know me it’s usually quite the opposite reaction; fear, terror, a feeling of I don’t deserve this). So I’d say huge progress in 2020.

Getting through my birthday and the days leading up to my birthday can be real hard. There are lots of emotions. There’s a lot of grief (at least there was). There’s weird feelings in being celebrated. I desire it like anyone else does, but I fear it so much. Because I don’t want to get used to liking the feeling of being celebrated and loved just for it all to go away. I’m so scared to let myself fully be loved, because I’m scared this love will just up and go away, and I don’t want to live a life without love.

So I’m counting down the days and hoping that I can get to a place of enjoyment of my 36th birthday because I really do love my new life and I want to get myself to a place where I am willing to be loved again. I don’t want to freak out and run when someone gets “too close” to me. I don’t want to “push them away before they can push me away”, I want to be willing be loved and feel love again.

This damn trip down memory lane has been a real hell of a ride. I’m glad I’ve went on it because I’m feeling freedom from things, at the same time I feel some guilt and remorse for how I’ve been the last couple years. I know it’s “normal and completely necessary in order to heal and move forward from all the pain and hurt”, but it doesn’t mean I can’t feel remorse for some of the things I’ve said and ways I’ve acted.

I know that my Bipolar has a lot to do with how I handle stress, and now because of therapy today that I’m just, “…stuck in a loop again because of exposure to a trigger over the last few weeks”, and I’m completely confident that my therapist can break this “loop” again. I’m so much stronger than the other times we’ve had to break it. I hate hypomania, it really is a really twisty windy bumpy road.

I’m going to work really hard to snap myself out of this depressed state, because I’m only depressed because I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, I’ve chosen to walk away from the people who created/raised me, I’ve left the toxic behind…I’ve allowed myself to grieve what didn’t have and what I had and lost. So I feel like I’m stuck in this depression and I don’t know how to get out.

I’m going to fight real hard to break it before my birthday because I want to enjoy it like I did last year, even if the end of the world came and it was a lot of effort to get me out of the house, I still enjoyed myself once we did leave.

I celebrate everyone I love and I realize that I am robbing them of the chance love me the way I love them…it’s not okay to rob someone of the chance to love. So I have to fight hard this year to get over this and through this birthday.

Maybe it would help if Valentine’s Day wasn’t the day before.

New Year

The New Year started with me being woke up to sound of his voice in my head telling me to kill myself and how to do it if my life was really that bad. As I remind myself that it’s just his voice and he can’t actually hurt me anymore, I feel for a moment like I can just brush it off and it’ll be no problem.

Then I get all anxious and worked up driving my little love to work on these icy, icy roads…sure enough I start the year off with a meltdown. Tears no yelling this time. I wish people knew how debilitating the damage that has been caused truly is.

They see me smile. They see me bake. They see me do a craft project. What they don’t see is how long it takes me to do that 20 minute craft. What they don’t see is that I’m sitting on a stool with my feet up, just to make those cupcakes. What they don’t see is all the pain, fear, and insecurity behind that smile. What they don’t see is this is my therapy.

That these things are actually ordered as a part of my therapy to teach me how to be free and keep me from going into “meltdowns” or “breakdowns” or “freak outs” (I swear I’m probably on a public freak outs forum somewhere). What they don’t see is the inability to successfully complete or focus on any-one-thing and then feel like a flighty failure.

So in 2021 I’m determined to continue healing. Im determined to become ok with failure. I’m determined to become okay with not being able to do like others do. I’m determined to be a better version of me.

2021 started for me the same way most other days start; paranoid and anxious, wishing my sleep didn’t haunt me. I made it the rest of the day though…progress.

I hope to continue to share my story. I look back over the growth of my writing I’m the last year and I can see my own personal growth. Thank you for taking this journey with me. I hope to be a light, a hope, an inspiration to those around me. Please don’t read my stories and feel sorry for me. Instead read my stories, heal yourself or someone else, but most of all learn to find your strength like I am.

Happy 2021 everyone, it can only be a better year. Love, light, and laughter to you all.